| hmmm.. |
[19 Nov 2006|07:56pm] |
I fell off a horse this weekend... Never got hurt though... landed on my very expansive ass and bounced from what observers have said. Oh well... I guess that's what happens when you're learning to ride. I can say though that my leg muscles feel like I had about 12 rounds of really rough sex... *sighs* I wish.. lol
I go home on Thursday - looking forward to the much needed relaxtion - I find living in the city all together too stressful - I miss the country where everyone goes at a much slower pace and are actually friendly to eachother!!!
Lets see.. ummm.. nope, nothing else to report.
I'm sure I'll have more to write at a later date.
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| Been one HELL of a week... |
[17 Jan 2006|07:25pm] |
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mood |
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 contemplative |
] |
The name of the post says it all...
My week started about this time last Tuesday... Robyn thought she was going into labour so I went over to her place to be with her. Turns out, after 2 trips to the hospital it was just false labour. That was a pisser, not only for me but also for Robyn.. she so wanted to have that baby... but she didn't have to wait long. She called me at 3 am on Friday morning telling me this time the labour was real so I booted it over there, as soon as I got there her water broke and we went back to the hospital for the third time that week. 3 hours after her water broke Annika Lauren was born. Probably the most moving experience of my life. Seeing this little helpless baby take her first breathe got to me big time. I bawled like a baby, just thankful that I was able to experience such a miracle. I did try to get my name in there somewhere but that didn't happen. The name was already set in Stone... so there I was, holding a very newly born baby marveling at the miracle I just saw. Even now I can't help but think about it and I think it will always stick with me. Granted the actual delivery was some what disconcerting, especially for Robyn and my poor hand but above all that it is something that I will never ever forget. To know that over the last 9 months Robyn was creating a perfect little human only to bring her into the world right in front of me is humbling...
So that's the good part...
Mother and baby are both fine...
And now to the sad part....
My dad called tonight to tell me that my Grandmother had a massive heart attack and they don't know how long she has left to live. It's hit me really hard... especially when I just experienced the beginning of one little girl's life and now I'm in the midst of watching another come to an end...
*sighs* life is strange...
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|
| A New Year... |
[01 Jan 2006|11:34am] |
So here it is, another year has passed by and I'm sitting here staring blankly at this monitor (yes monitor, no more laptop for this girl) wondering if there is really anything interesting for me to write. It's been so long it's hard to even think about all that's gone on. All I know is that I've been living here in London for over a year, hardly know anyone, no men in my life. I feel like the way I did when I lived in Peterborough. Totally cut off from the world, afraid, no not afraid, petrified to go out and explore the world. My little cacoon is safe and comfy, and no one can hurt me here. It wasn't until last night on my way home from Robyn's that I really started thinking about a lot of stuff. You know they say that whatever you're doing on new years eve is what you're going to be doing all year and if that's the case then it's going to be another year just like the last one. One filled with nothing...
My life feels so superficial. Like all I'm doing is going from day to day, through the motions with really no interest in it whatsoever. I thought for a while there that going back to school would allow me to feel again. But it hasn't. I have no feelings at all other than sorrow. I know it's probably depression talking but hell, that's my life isn't it? I put on a happy face for those around me acting like the world is all wine and roses when all it really is is sour grapes and dead grass...
I would have thought that a year going by would help me learn to get over the emotional blow dealt to me by dumb fuck, but as far as I can tell it hasn't. I'm still afraid of people, I'm afraid to open myself up for fears of getting hurt again and I'm not even talking about just men. Men always have terrified me, that's why I'm such good friends with them... because they can sense that I'm not a threat, that I hold myself back.
Speaking of friends, what's really hard for me is to sit here knowing that there are people out there that I really care about who no matter how many times I ask, just won't come to see me. It almost makes me wonder if being a "friend" is what I am... Maybe I'm just an annoyance. I was in Peterborough on Friday, tried to give a couple of people a call and all I got was no answer. Hell I wasn't even in town for a night and they still wouldn't pick up the phone to see who it was. Talk about a fucking let down. All the people I thought were in my life seem to be just on the outskirts, showing no real interest in it at all. There are really only three people other than my family that show a real interest in my life. Jackie, Robyn and Tom. They are the only people that are keeping me going... They listen without judgement, they love unconditionally and if I need anything they are there for me.
As for work, well there's just one disappointment after another. I've gone for three promotions, all three I didn't get and no one will tell me why. All I get is "you're just not (insert job title here) material." I ask for reason why, I don't get any. I feel like I'm stagnating there. I'm just not sure how to move on. I'm afraid that if I start looking for another position that I'll lose this job before I land a new one. It sucks. It almost feels like a life sentence for me.
I just finished reading a post by Jare, probably one of the most amazing friends anyone could have... it's amazing to see someone like him, someone who's had so many hardships in his life and never, never lets it get him down for long and I think to myself "why can't I be like that?" why can't I just let things roll off my back like it does to him. Now I know that it's not all true with him, that things hit him but he never does stay down long and for me it's like once I'm down I struggle to get air and break the surface again.
This entire post makes me reflect on Thursday night.. I was with Dawn, I was very very stoned and she said something to me that at the time I sloughed off but since have been thinking about all the time... she told me that she doesn't think I know who I am yet... and she's right. I just don't fit in anywhere and really don't know who I am or what my place in this world is... It's almost like I'm filling a space in the world, taking up air that someone else should be using. I hate it. I hate feeling like this, I hate feeling like I'm just floundering from day to day without any real meaning. I do know one thing though, I have so much to give, I just don't know how to give it to people. I also don't think people truly understand me... I don't think I understand me... *sighs*
This is why I don't post anymore.
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[10 Sep 2005|11:16am] |
| [ |
mood |
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contemplative |
] |
So why is it that some silly little romantic movie can still make me cry. Maybe it's becuase I've always had the dream that one day, romance like you see in the movies can actually happen to a person like me. I small, unimportant person like me. I know movies are so "hollywoodized" but the romantic in me can't help but think that things like that can actually happen. They make me wish I had someone in my life the would feel for me the way I wish someone would. I'm such a boob......
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| Oh what a day -- |
[22 Aug 2005|09:36pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 thirsty |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Live like you were dying - Tim Mcgraw |
] |
Spent this lovely day at work....... DOING NOTHING!!! turns out we had a server crash at some point over the weekend and we couldn't access anything. Most people got to leave around noon but I had to stick around to be trained on the new portfolio of files we're getting next month. So I literally got paid to sit around the office while metaphorically picking my ass. Altleast I only have one hour to make up instead of the others that have to make up half a day.
Had a very eventful weekend... Robyn and I went shopping at Masonville and while we were there her dumbfuck ex called and said he wanted her to pick up their son becuase he didn't want to stay with him. So we ended up having to meet dumbfuck at the bus stop and Robyn's free weekend was well, not so much free. So to make little Darshaun happy I had Jackie bring Alex over... big mistake when there's no place for 2 little boys to go because of the rain. Hopefully next time they both end up here we'll be able to send them outside to play where it's not quite so loud.
Sunday was spent, as usual at Jackie's, hung out with her and the rest of the family. Found out that her and Jason's friend Chris had his second baby on Friday - another little girl. I'm so happy for him and his girlfriend. I'm sure they'll be wonderful parents to this little girl as well.
Really nothing else to report. Just trying to get things in order for school to start in 2.5 weeks. BLAH!!! Atleast I can order my text book online and it's only going to cost about 50 bucks - One of the cheapest text books I've ever bought.
Thursday should be great - I get to go with Robyn to her ultrasound and I get to be with her when/if she finds out the sex of the baby. I hope to god she does find out, it's brutal using white yarn to make a baby blanket - hard to see....
Still in dire need of sex, still no prospective men *sighs* One would think with all the weight I have lost (30 lbs and counting) I'd have more interest coming my way, but not yet. Maybe I'll go with Robyn this weekend to a good-bye party for someone at work and see if that helps my socialization. Who knows what the heck I'm going to be doing. It's truly hard to say.
Robyn, if you're reading this Tiffany from work sd for you to call her. She wants to chat and stuff seeing as you both have a bun in the oven. Her number should be in my address book on my cell. If not I'll definately get it for you.
Still no word yet on if Dad is going to have to have more surgery on his ticker. I guess no news is good news.
Jackie and Jason put Alex in hockey this season. He's so cute in his hockey gear, this itty bitty litle boy and all this big hockey equipment. He looks so silly. But I'm sure on the ice he'll kick some serious ass. I can't wait to see #8 on the Tim Hortons Timbits team blow everyone out of the water. I don't like hockey but you can bet that I'll be there cheering the little guy on at every game (or atleast the ones I can get to)
Well I suppose my incessant rambling should come to an end seeing as I have written all of this and NOTHING is all that important. But what the hey, it is my journal and I write what I feel. I can't always be full of wisdom and contemplate the meaning of life (like I ever have).
Exeunt.
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| Not much to report |
[15 Aug 2005|10:38pm] |
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mood |
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 good |
] |
| [ |
music |
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none - tv's on. |
] |
Spent the weekend wiht Jackie spending money. Bought a new coffee maker that has so many bells and whistles on it I don't know what to do with it. I'm just glad it makes coffee and BEEPS when it's done. it's a nice little noise telling me "Hey, Coffee's done, come drink it!!!"
Went to the Market on saturday, wanted to buy a bed but alas, the one I had my eye on was gone and though I could have gotten another one I wouldn't have had enough groceries and that wouldn't have been good.
Supposed to go out with Sarah this weekend, but I'm not sure if I will. She wants me to go off my meds for a few days so we can party but I'm pretty sure that's not going to happen. Christy goes crazy when has no happy pills in her... add booze to that and it's really bad.
Mom came back from the East Coast yesterday. I spoke with her for a bit before I left for work. Didn't realize how much I missed her until I had to spend almost 3 weeks without speaking to her. She told me she and Dad bought me a Lobster (i'm hoping it's not alive cuz I couldn't stand to hear it scream when I put it in the boiling water.. YES they do scream!!!).
Robyn came over on Friday.. we had dinner and Darshawn watched a movie. It was a nice relaxing evening. It's almost becoming a weekly event to have her and the little guy over Friday nights for dinner and a movie. She asked me if I wanted to go out to another gig of the band I saw last weekend.... I very pointedly told her NO, unequivocally NO!!!!! Maybe if I was deaf I would go out but I really couldn't handle that type of music. Besides she and "he who must not be named" are going and I don't want to impinge on their time. I hate feeling like a third wheel. I know I wouldn't be one but still. They're trying to see where things take them and I don't want to take away from their time.
Called Dad tonight about one of the files we had at work. Turns out he knew the person and told me that I was actually related to him distantly. It's kind of funny to call my parents when I need help with work, but being from a small town where everyone knows everyone it's usually easier than having to start tracing them from scratch. I've done it more than once and will probably do it again when required.
School starts soon. I can't wait. I have to find the time to go up to the university and pay my fees at some point this week. Maybe I'll call them and tell them it's going to be a few days late and go pay it in person next week. At one point Western had me registered as an international student and my fees were going to be $14,000. I just about gagged when I saw that, but luckily the school was able to fix it after I sent them proof of citizenship. Funny, I didn't realize that Peterborough ON (place of birth) is actually in a different country. Oh the fun of attempting to register for school, but after it all got straightened out my fees dropped to a little over $1000, which is MUCH more tolerable.
Well that seems to be all I have to say right now.
Exeunt.
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| Oh what a weekend.... |
[07 Aug 2005|09:47pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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content |
] |
I think I've had one of the most interesting weekends since I've moved to London, and at the same time one of the most disturbing... regardless it's certainly been eventful.
Friday:
Robyn, Sarah and I went out for coffee and then to Victoria Park to feed the squirrels.... Sarah and I both got attacked by the same Demonic squirrel. I was lucky, I had a wrist brace on so I didn't lose any skin, Sarah on the other hand was not so lucky, she really got munched on and ended up having to go to the hospital to get a tetnus shot. She was the laughing stock of the emergency room, though she did get to go in before all of the other animal bites because they were afraid she was going to start foaming at the mouth... HA HA HA... but she's ok. a really sore, swollen finger but otherwise in one piece. If anyone sees a little grey squirrel with brown streaks under it's eyes and missing half a tail WATCH OUT! That damned squirrel now has a taste for blood. Apparently there's been a few squirrel bites in the park so the city is planning on catching as many as they can and either relocating them or putting them down. Poor Sarah, feeling responsible for the death of 100's of squirrels.... LOL
Saturday:
Robyn Sarah, Davin (guy from work) and I went out to a couple of bars. Had a good time, FRESH MEAT EVERYWHERE!!!! I got shit for giving an expired drivers licence as ID. I've never had the problem before. Christ it's still me no matter if it's expired or not. What fucking bullshit. Fucking bouncer should learn to keep his god damned mouth shut.
Sarah was partying pretty hard. Her boyfriend was being an ass and she tossed him out that night. I was and still am worried about her. Robyn and I were the only ones that weren't going crazy on the booze, simply becuase I'm not supposed to drink and Robyn can't seeing as she's 4 months pregnant. I didn't get home until after 1:30 which is impressive for me considering I hadn't had a night out in a social setting like that since moving to London.
Today:
Spent a good part of the day talking to Robyn on the phone, mostly reminiscing about how much fun we had the night before, then she called me back very upset. Her asshole ex, all but told her he wanted nothing to do with her except in the way that he'll be looking after the baby. What a fucking idiot. I'm so mad at this loser I could hunt him down and kill him myself. He's such an immature little boy that he doesn't know how to keep his dick in his pants let alone how to be a decent human being and treat people, especially the mother of his child with even an ounce of respect. If I were you Robyn I'd take him for every cent you can just to get back at him. He doesn't deserve you.
As for you Sarah, if John fucks off after you telling him what you did he doesn't deserve you either. (Neither you nor Robyn will probably ever read this but it makes me feel better to write it down) He should never have taken off on you Friday night after you told him what was going on. You're a beautiful strong woman, if he is so weak as to run after something like that then he doesn't deserve you. I'd kill to have half the strength you have.
I can't wait for the next couple of weeks to go by. Sarah Robyn and I are going to go out and hit the bars again. I just wish I could have a few drinks that actually have alcohol in them.
New shifts at work tomorrow. 1-9 Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday. 8:30-4:30 Thursday and Friday. At least I don't have to go running to bed so I can get a solid night's sleep.
Well I might as well go watch some mindless tv for a while.
Exeunt.
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| Why do people send me these?? I then feel like I HAVE to answer... |
[03 Aug 2005|05:28pm] |
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mood |
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good |
] |
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music |
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Dr Phil |
] |
1. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING? Utopia by Lincoln Child
2. WHAT TIME IS IT NOW? 5:28pm
3. WHAT'S ON YOUR MOUSE PAD? laptop w/ Optical mouse - no mouse pad
4. WHAT'S YOUR FAVOURITE BOARD GAME? Trivial Pursuit Pop Culture Edition (its the only one I own...)
5. FAVOURITE MAGAZINE? Playgirl (LMAO, just joking)
7. FAVOURITE SOUND? SILENCE
8. WORST FEELING IN THE WORLD? ask the person who's felt it.
9. FIRST THING YOU THINK OF IN THE MORNING? I will not answer for fears that I will warp your fragile little minds!
10. HOW MANY RINGS BEFORE YOU ANSWER THE PHONE? Two that's how long it takes caller id to show up
11. FUTURE CHILD'S NAME? how the heck should I know.. I can't predict the future
12. FAVOURITE COLOUR? yellow
13. WHAT IS MOST IMPORTANT IN YOUR LIFE? security
14. FAVOURITE FOOD? whatever I have in the house is my current favorite.
15. If you could PLAY AN INSTRUMENT, WHAT WOULD IT BE? I really want to learn the guitar
16. DO YOU LIKE TO DRIVE FAST? if I had a license I'm sure I'd still be driving too fast.
17. SLEEP WITH A STUFFED ANIMAL? I have no man, the cats don't like to cuddle, so YES
18. STORMS - COOL OR SCARY? Cool.
19. WHAT TYPE IS YOUR CAR? London Transit.
20. PERSON FROM YOUR PAST YOU WISH YOU COULD GO BACK
AND TALK TO? My grandfather.. he died before I was born
21. FAVOURITE ALCOHOLIC DRINK? marguaritas- tho I can't drink now so what's the point.
22. WHAT'S IN THE BOOT OF YOUR CAR? what the heck is a boot?
24. IF YOU COULD HAVE ANY JOB YOU WANTED WHAT WOULD IT
BE? independantly wealthy
25. LEAST LIKELY TO RESPOND? it's a journal.. no one.
26. EVER BEEN IN LOVE? I thought I was.. turns out I was just stupid...
27. IS THE GLASS HALF EMPTY OR HALF FULL? doesn't matter, I'll fill it to the top.
28. FAVOURITE MOVIE(s)? too many to list
29. DO YOU TYPE WITH YOUR FINGERS ON THE RIGHT KEYS? yes.. (I'm such a geek)
30. WHAT'S UNDER YOUR BED? blankets and probably the cat
31. WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE NUMBER? that's a stupid question... whichever one wins the lottery
32. WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE SPORT TO WATCH? Dr Phil... there's a sport in itself
33. SAY AT LEAST ONE NICE THING ABOUT THE PERSON WHO
SENT THIS TO YOU. Its Juanita.. we've been friends forever, she has to be a great person to still like me.
34. IF YOU COULD BUILD A HOUSE ANYWHERE WHERE WOULD IT
BE? no clue. ask me when I can afford to build
35. WHAT'S YOUR FAVOURITE ARTICLE OF CLOTHING? again, not going to warp people's minds here....
36. BEACH, MOUNTAINS, CITY? what about the ocean?
37. TECHNOLOGY OR ART? how bout both.
38. COMEDY OR HORROR? I like both equally
39. FAVOURITE PHYSICAL FEATURE OF THE OPPOSITE SEX? jawline, butt, eyes, hands
40. FAVOURITE TIME OF DAY? 4:30 pm... end of work day
41. THE LAST CD YOU BOUGHT? i honestly can't remember
43. WHAT'S YOUR FAVOURITE PLACE TO BE MASSAGED? feet
44. WHAT'S MOST IMPORTANT, STRONG IN MIND OR STRONG IN
BODY? Smell isn't everything.. doesn't matter if it's a smelly mind or body.. don't like strong things.
45. WHAT TIME DO YOU WAKE UP IN THE MORNING? whenever my alarm goes off.
46. WHAT'S YOUR FAVOURITE KITCHEN ITEM? my coffee maker
47. WHAT MAKES YOU REALLY ANGRY? i'm medicated.. not much makes me mad.
48. WHICH DO YOU PREFER, SPORTS CAR OR 4X4?
i'm not picky.. if it has 4 wheels and drives, I'll take it.
49. DO YOU BELIEVE IN THE AFTERLIFE? I suppose.. is there a before life though?
50. WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE SEASON? NOT SUMMER!
51. IF YOU COULD HAVE ONE SUPER POWER, WHAT WOULD IT BE? I wanna be Midas.. turn everything gold
52. CAN YOU JUGGLE? sure.. one ball.
53. WHAT'S YOUR FAVOURITE DAY? stupid question...
54. WHICH DO YOU PREFER SUSHI OR HAMBURGER? I like both
55. FROM THE PEOPLE YOU WILL EMAIL THIS TO, WHO'S MOST
LIKELY To RESPOND FIRST? not emailing it.
56. WHO DID YOU RECEIVE THIS FROM? Juanita.
57. WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE CARTOON? the simpsons.
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| Been a LONG TIME... |
[25 Jul 2005|08:19pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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contemplative |
] |
| [ |
music |
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the sound of my fan circulating air |
] |
since I wrote anything... Really not a whole lot to report.. just keeping on keeping on.. I have my good days, then I have my bad ones.. Sometimes I wonder if this rollercoaster of emotions will ever go away...
Today's my dad's birthday and when I called him he told me he has to go back to the cardiologist in Kingston to see if they can figure out why his blood doesn't have enough oxygen in it. Sounds like the long awaited bypass surgery may be around the corner. Sucks big time, I could potentially lose my father.... but I have to have faith that everything will be ok.
Mom and my other dad are leaving for the East Coast next week for two weeks... I wish they could pack me in their suitcase and take me with them. It would be so nice to take a break from here... but then again it hasn't even been a month since I had my last vacation.... I'm just starting to get bored I suppose... I can't wait until I can get enrolled in my classes at Western so I'll have something to occupy my mind besides dwelling on things and right now I think that's my problem. I've begun dwelling on the negatives of life right now and it's very hard to see that clearing in the distance...
One of my birdies has a tumor on it's wing... i'm a bit concerned but at the same time he seems fine so I guess I"ll just have to wait and see if it gets any worse before I decide how to proceed. I know for a fact I won't be taking him to a vet.. it would cost more than I would like to know considering he's a little budgie and they're basically a dime a dozen.
Though on the plus side I will be getting an air conditioner at some point soon, mom and dad are getting central air and I'm hoping Aunt Fern and Uncle Ed will make a trip up north and bring it back with them.
I'm sure whoever's reading this is wondering if there is anything good going on in my life right now... I guess in reality it's neither good nor bad.. it just seems like when it rains it pours.
I'm sure at some point soon things will start to look up for me. I mean I have my health right, and it doesn't seem to be going anywhere *as she takes a drag of her cigarette*... Blah.
Maybe I just need to get laid.... that would probably make me feel a bit more human.. HA HA HA...
well that's about it for now...
Exeunt.
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[23 Dec 2004|11:51pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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contemplative |
] |
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music |
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none.. just a ticking clock |
] |
So I've made a discovery... "Chasing Amy" though written by, in my opinion one of the funniest men alive, really isn't all that funny. I mean yeah it's funny as far as comedies go, but at the same time it's rather quite depressing. It really is quite a deep movie, for all the dick and fart jokes that are in it, or alluded to... It really makes you think, are we just chasing a dream of a person or can we actually achieve the ideal of finding "the one" Did I already meet this person in my past and just push them away becuase I was too scared and am now trying to find it in someone else, am I Chasing Amy??? It's really hard to say. I know for sure that Steve is not my Amy... but I often wonder if I'll end up being his...
For those of you who haven't seen Chasing Amy and have no idea what I'm talking about, it's definately worth a watch... once you get past the vulgarity of most of the characters you see that there is definately a point to this movie. I don't want to spend my life Chasing Amy, I want to know that when I meet the person I'm meant to be with for the rest of my life I'm not going to get scared off and never look back, I also don't want them to have the same thing happen.
Sometimes I wonder if when you meet the person you're supposed to be with that you just know, that there's no working at the relationship, there's no need to debate on whether or not you're doing the right thing... I hope so. Cuz this questioning everything sucks ass.
P.S. some words of advice:
"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive
and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, martini in the
other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO what a ride!"
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| A survey thing |
[21 Dec 2004|09:33pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 bored |
] |
1) First Name: Christina
2) Were you named after anyone: Nope
3) Do you wish on Stars: No point, none of my wishes ever come true
4) When did you last cry? November 14, 2004 - the day Steve threw me out
5) Do you like your handwriting: Not particularly, but it's all I've got
6) Favorite Lunchmeat: Summer Sausage
7) Birthdate: November 3, 1978
8) Most Embarassing CD: The Little Mermaid Soundtrack
9) If you were another person, would YOU be friends with you: No, I'm too moody --- or so I've heard
10) Are you a daredevil: NOPE
11) Why would you fill out a survey like this: boredom
12) Do looks matter: anyone who says no is lying
13) How do you release anger: I make up new ways to use swear words
14) Where is your second home: Coe Hill and Barry's Bay (so I have three, so shoot me)
15) Do you trust others too easily: I did - but now I only trust myself
16) What was your favorite toy as a child: my barbies... duh!!!
17) What class in high school do you think was totally useless: English -- I speak the language.. why do I have to learn about it??
18) Do you have a journal: DUH!!!!
19) Do you use sarcasm a lot: gee.. not me...not at all... DUH!!!!
20) Favorite Movies: Harry Potter, Lord of the Rings, Chicago... and a million more... anything that's scary!!!
21) What are your (acceptable) nicknames: Chris, Christy, Blondie, That Perkins Girl...
22) Would you bungee jump: only if there was $2,000,000 cash below
23) Do you untie your shoes when you take them off: no, then I'd have to bend over
24) Do you think that you are strong: personally no, but others say I am a very strong individual
25) What's your favorite ice cream flavour: Heavenly Hash
26) Shoe Size: 7.5
27) What are your favorite colours: Yellow and Blue
28) What is your least favorite thing about yourself: my depression
29) Who do you miss most: me... the way I was pre-Steve
30) Do you want everyone you send this to to send it back: It's posted in a journal... stupid question
32) What are you listening to right now: Kid Rock -- Run off to L.A. Wait a minute -- where's #31???
33) Last thing you ate: Jason cooked pork chops, mashed potatoes and beans
34) What is the weather like right now: dark and cool.
35) Last person you talked to on the phone: some debtor at work.
36) If you were a crayon, what colour would you be: Yellow
37) The first thing you notice about the opposite sex: Jaw-line
38) Do you like the person who sent this to you: of course
39) How are you today: alive... isn't that enough?
40) Favorite drink: anything caffinated
41) Favorite sport: typing.. lol
42) Hair Colour: dark blonde/light brown
43) Eye Colour: blue
44) Do you wear contacts: no *she says as she pushes her glasses back up her nose*
45) Favorite food: anything I don't have to cook.
46) Last movie you watched: LOTR - Return of the King, Extended edition
47) Favorite day of the year: I'll tell you when I figure it out.
48) Scary movies or happy endings: either.. depends on my mood
49) Summer or Winter: I prefer spring and autumn
50) Hugs or Kisses: hugs -- but then again it depends on who it is I'm hugging/kissing
51) What is your favorite dessert: a cigarette and a cup of coffee
52) Who is most likely to respond: no one.. it's in a journal!!!
53) Who is least likely to respond: see above statement
54) Where would you want to go on your next vacation: home
55) What books are you reading: Deception Point -- Dan Brown, Blue Dalahia -- Nora Roberts
56) What's on your mouse pad: I don't have one.. optical mouse
57) What did you watch last night on TV: Fear Factor
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| I hate the Holidays... especially now. |
[21 Dec 2004|09:08pm] |
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mood |
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pensive |
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music |
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Kid Rock - Run off to L.A. |
] |
Why do people like to advertise the holidays as a time to be with the one you love?? Yeah, it also advertises family and such, but it still likes to push the whole "someone special" aspect. They have Valentine's day.. isn't that enough?? For people like me, who have had their hearts crushed under someone's boot heel it's like having salt rubbed into a wound. How fair is that? I mean I'm sitting here mourning the loss of my life with Steve and all I see on TV are commercials geared towards the one you love. What about me? The one I love, *sighs* yeah, I still love him even after what he did to me, is with someone else and now my family is also 7 hours away from me. It's lonely that's for sure.. too lonely.
I love the fact that I've been given this great opportunity to start my life over again in a whole new city where I can leave the past behind me, but I don't know how... I spent so long (not that long, but long enough) with Steve that it is really hard to just up and move on. Is it this hard because I know I did nothing to deserve such unfair treatment? Is it becuase I wanted the relationship to be just between him and I, not this other woman?
I hate the fact that I can't go through a night without dreaming of him... or through the day where at least once he comes into my mind? I know these are all normal things, but to me, a clinical depressive it's like a hurdle I can't seem to get over. I keep getting stuck... If there's anyone out there that's reading this and can give me any pointers at all on how to get over this hurdle I'm totally up for suggestions. Alice, you gave me some great advice, and I'm sure it will help but I need that serious ass kicking to get me moving. It's so easy to get through the days when I'm at work, but when I come home to an empty apartment it's so hard... I never once thought getting through the nights would be this hard.
I need to just jump right back into life... but then I never have, I always test the waters first. I've always held myself back, afraid of getting hurt. I need to find a way to get over that. I need to learn that shit happens and there's not much I can do about it. It's easy for me to say that, but saying and truly being able to accept that is something totally different. I always take things so personally, but in the situation with Steve I have to take it personally. I wasn't good enough for him. He didn't want me, he couldn't handle my emotions... it's like no one can. When I get sad, everyone tells me that I shouldn't feel this way, that he's not worth it. I know he's not worth the pain and the suffering I'm going through but I still feel this way. I wish people wouldn't be so hypocritical about things like that. Telling me he's not worth it and that I shouldn't think about him, but if they were in this situation, they would be doing the same thing.
It's a major knock to my self-esteem - not that I had much to begin with, but now it seems like I have even less. I'm self-conscious now, weary of people and very withdrawn. One of the managers at work was very pleased to see me smile today, said it was the first time he'd seen it since I started working there and it's true. When he's not on my mind I'm totally happy, enjoying everything but when he creeps back in it's like the feelings come crashing in and I'm a mess again... but I can't cry. It might be becuase I cried so much when I was with Steve, but I would just like to be able to cry... to let these emotions out in a way that is normally so natural for me. I'm a crier, yet I can't cry... What does this mean??
Well off to wrap a Christmas gift
Exeunt.
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| Another of my favorite songs. |
[21 Dec 2004|08:50pm] |
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mood |
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contemplative |
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music |
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Tracy Byrd -- Redneck Roses |
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Josh Groban -- You're Still You
Through the darkness
I can see your light
And you will always shine
And I can feel your heart in mine
Your face I've memorized
I idolize just you
I look up to
Everything you are
In my eyes you do no wrong
I've loved you for so long
And after all is said and done
You're still you
After all
You're still you
You walk past me
I can feel your pain
Time changes everything
One truth always stays the same
You're still you
After all
You're still you
I look up to
Everything you are
In my eyes you do no wrong
And I believe in you
Although you never asked me to
I will remember you
And what life put you through
And in the cruel and lonely world
I found one love
You're still you
After all
You're still you.
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| This is how I feel right now... A song by Rascal Flatts |
[21 Dec 2004|08:39pm] |
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mood |
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depressed |
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music |
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While you Loved me... Rascal Flats |
] |
While You Loved Me
(Kim Williams/Marty Dodson/Danny Wells)
If I ever write the story of my life
Don’t be suprised if you’re where it begins
Girl, I’d have to dedicate every line on every page
To the memories we made, while you loved me
I was born the day you kissed me
And I died inside the night you left me
But I lived, oh how I lived
(I lived) While you loved me
I’d start with chapter one, love innocent and young
As the morning sun on a new day
Even though I know the end, Well I’d do it all again
‘Cause I got a lifetime in, while you loved me
I was born the day you kissed me
And I died inside the night you left me
But I lived, oh how I lived
(I lived) While you loved me
I was born the day you kissed me
And I died inside the night you left me
But I lived, oh how I lived
(I lived) While you loved me
I was born the day you kissed me
And I died inside the night you left me
But I lived, oh how I lived
(I lived) While you loved me
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| Just another apathy filled day... |
[09 Dec 2004|02:32pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 apathetic |
] |
Really not much to write -- Just getting over a serious migrane, I'm actually able to do things right now without too much trouble... Here's hoping it keeps up. I'm still having downer moments... but that's to be expected I suppose.
Now i have Jackie thinking about who she knows that she can hook me up with. As I said to her today, I don't think I'm ready to bounce around from guy to guy. I think I need to spend some time just being with myself and getting to know the new me. I know that I am a completely different person now. I know I'm extremely cynical now. I don't trust people. Not a good thing I know, but after all that I've been through I think I deserve to be a cynic for a while. Its going to take me quite some time to be able to trust those I don't know as weel. Look where trusting dumbass bastard got me? Nowhere... well, I can't really say that. I am in London now... a place I never expected to be, I've got friends and family and I'm actually starting to meet people. I just hope it's not a superficial feeling of accomplishment.
I just don't think I'd be good for anyone right now, I don't want to be known as the "rebounder"... It's been almost a month.. soo I hope I'll be able to consider getting more things going in my life. I hope soon I'll be able to trust people again... I hate feeling like this...
Exeunt
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| Long time no entry |
[02 Dec 2004|02:47pm] |
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mood |
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sad |
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Well, I've finally decided to post again. My life didn't exactly turn out as planned... or even as expected. Steve and I broke up for good a couple of weeks ago and I'm now in London, in an almost empty apartment and working full-time.
I'm having a difficult time dealing with things right now. After all Steve did to me, you'd think I could just give him a really big "F--- you" and get on with it, but I cant. The pain is still so fresh, and knowing that he's not suffering, that he moved HER in the day I moved out is almost more than I can bear. I want him to hurt the way I hurt, I want him to be suffering just as much as I am, but he never will.
The man has no conscience, he only thinks of himself and his penis. He doesn't use what little brains he has or he'd realize the difference between right and wrong. I'm just so pissed off that I wasted the last 9 months of my life with him, that I believed the lies. Look where believing in someone has gotten me... look where I am.. a pathetic mess who can't seem to get over someone who broke my heart time and time again.
I want to hear that everyone goes through this, I want to know that I'm not alone in this pain, but right now that's exactly how I feel, alone and scared. I wanted things with him to work out, I waited three years for him and I thought he had changed, but apparently he didn't. He just used me because it was convienent for him and now I'm a mess... I'm an emotional basketcase who is struggling to get her life back together.
All I want is him. I know that's wrong, I know I shouldn't want that, but I'm so emotionally messed up right now that it's all I can think... I just want to be held and loved, I mean really loved. I want to believe someone when they say those words... like I wanted to believe Steve... and I did.. but now, well I don't think I could believe a word that he ever said to me. He needs to grow up, hell apparently so do I. I need to realize that he and I will never be again, but he beat me down so much I can't help but wonder if anyone will ever want me or if I'm destined to be alone. It almost seems like he took me becuase he didn't think anyone else would and because of that he thought he could walk all over me.
*sighs*
I need a hug.
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| I Hate Waiting --- |
[30 Jul 2004|01:53am] |
So waiting just sucks ass. Steve has been gone since 8 am and I'm still waiting for him to come home. He went to Canada's Wonderland with HER (the bitch he fucked before I moved in that I found out about beginning of this month) He called at 9 pm and left a message saying he was on his way back to Midland to drop the bitch off and then come home. Well he got to Midland about 2.5 hours ago, and alas I am still waiting.
Why am I so worried about him one might ask? Simple -- I'm afraid he's going to choose her over me and that I'm going to be out on my ass. He says that I shouldn't worry about such things, but it's hard not to. He said he chose me and that I won, and that I am his future, but I really don't feel it. All I feel is my heart aching over and over again. I actually had to take an Ativan this evening to calm my anxiety -- ever since my grandfather passed away in June I have been suffering from panic attacks and just about anything will set them off.
So here I am sitting here watching one of the most depressing movies I have seen (LOTR - the return of the king) waiting for him to call me saying he's on his way home. I can't call him because the bugger keeps his cell phone off when he's out with friends. All I can do is send him a text message and hope that he reads it when he turns his phone on.
God, I love him so much, it's so hard to think that I might be losing him. He is my life, the last thing I could handle is losing him. I gave up everything in Ptbo to be with him and I hope to God I didn't make the biggest mistake of my life in doing so. Some days I wonder, I really do... does he love me enough? Am I just here as a "trophy" wife (though I look nothing like one) only to be brought down when it suits his needs? That's what it feels like. I've told him this is how I feel but all he says is not to worry and that he loves me. He tells me he loves me so much it makes me wonder if he's trying to make himself believe it. Does that make any sense? It does to me.
So here I am, sitting, waiting, unable to sleep because I haven't heard from him. I have no doubt in my mind he passed out somewhere, but the least he could have done was leave his phone on so I could call and ask when he was coming home. Fuck, I hate worrying about this.... I'm glad he finally agreed to try things my way after tonight -- he said he wouldn't see her until I'm comfortable that they are only friends -- I don't think I'll ever be comfortable with that, I mean he did cheat on me with her... but at the same time, we both have to make some concessions in order to make the relationship work, but it's just so hard.... so hard knowing the man I love most in this world may or may not be laying in the arms of another while I sit up waiting for him to come home. He tells me to trust him, that I won the battle and I'm the one he wants to be with, but I keep telling him over and over that when he's with her and her friends he doesn't think about me and it's true. If he did he wouldn't cut off communication. I mean, what if I had needed him tonight? What if something had happened and I needed him to come home? The way things are going I would never have gotten through to him.
More than once tonight I thought about packing my bags and leaving them at the door so that I could leave in the morning -- but I can't bring myself to do it. I need to trust that he is not hurting this relationship purposely. One thing is for certain, I'm getting tired of hearing "THE CUSTOMER YOU HAVE DIALED IS CURRENTLY NOT AVAILABLE... PLEASE TRY YOUR CALL AGAIN LATER." I really really hate hearing that when I call his cell phone. Maybe I just need the reassurance that I can call and check up on him when I want, but that is obviously impossible. It's seriously like when he's out with the bitch (who he says he is only friends with now) he doesn't give a second thought to me... like I don't matter. I've said this to him, I've told him how hard it is for me when he comes home, gives me a kiss and all but ignores me. I told him I feel like he resents my being here becuase I'm getting in the way of his fun... I seriously wonder if that's what he's thinking.... he's a typical guy -- won't tell anyone what's truly on his mind unless he's had a couple of drinks in him.
Fuck.... Fuck, Fuck, Fuck.
I hate this waiting game.
Exeunt, The Bug
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| A whole bunch of crap. |
[25 Jun 2004|08:51pm] |
Take the quiz: "What that 70's show character are you?"
Eric
You are Eric . skinny , and smart mouthed , but funny
Take the quiz: "What should your nick name be?"
shorty
your loud and your proud.. and u hate your parents
Take the quiz: "What Finding Nemo Person Are You?"
Dory
You are my favorite character!!!You annoy Marlin sometimes but...u r ok
Take the quiz: "Discover Your X-Men Movieverse Patron/ess"
Pyro
Your Mutant Patron is Pyro. His power is over fire, which he can manipulate in explosive, destructive ways or with the finest control. A young Mutant, he has the qualities of youth: impulsiveness, energy, and zest for life. He enjoys using his powers, impressing others, and having the freedom to be himself. Being curtailed and controlled frustrates him. He sees no reason he should stifle his power in the presence of Humans or anyone else. Pyro eagerly seeks knowledge and to learn ever great control of his powers. He believes Humans are a great danger to Mutantkind, and he is more than ready to fight in a war against them.
Take the quiz: "Which Classic (Deceased) Film Actor Are You?"
John Wayne (1907-1979)
You're pompous and swaggering. You've got some skill when it comes to charging up a studio set, but if you were dropped onto the real Iwo Jima in 1945 you might have a rough time of it. Ideal occupations: sheriff, cavalry officer, um...sheriff...(And yes, I'm being very hard on John Wayne. But it's my quiz, and I can do what I want. Ha ha.)
Take the quiz: "so you think you know about the laybrith?"
you know alot!
you know alot about this movie ..you are truly a fan.. :)
Take the quiz: "Which Random Irish Gaelic Phrase Are You? "
Pog mo thoin
Pog mo thoin - 'Kiss my ass.'You're one tough bastard, and if anyone doesn't like it, they can kiss your ass. You enjoy fighting and causing grievous bodily harm. Hey! What are you lookin' at, punk?
Take the quiz: "Your Psych-Ward diagnosis"
Anxiety Disorder
Diagnosis: General Anxiety Disorder. Excessive anxiety or worry occurring more days than not over a significant period of time. These worries can be associated with a number of events or activities. In addition, the individual finds it difficult to control the worry. Can be marked by physical signs of tension, hyperactivity, and lack of ability to respond in a positive or productive manner to problems or difficulties as they arise.
Take the quiz: "Do you get confused really easily?"
Yes
You are confused most of the time, thats ok, though, same goes for me lol
Take the quiz: "Which Disney Character Are You?"
Tinkerbell
You are Tinkerbell. You love magic and you care for others dearly.
Take the quiz: "WHICH LOTR CHARACTER DOES YOUR PERSONALITY MATCH?"
Merry
Your like Merry. You are naughty and happy, and you are always up for a laugh. You could drink, eat and lay about all day. Although if you are needed be your family or friends...there is no stopping you.
Take the quiz: "Which mythological creature?"
Griffin
a half eagal half lion that guards treasure and never deserts their friend, one of the few things capable of taking on a dragon
Take the quiz: "What Scary Thing Are You?"
Sea Monster
Deep in the water, or sometimes not, you've been hiding in large lakes for years. Lucky you.
Take the quiz: "Which prop from 'American Pie' are you?"
Warm Apple Pie
You are the warm apple pie! It may seem like a contradiction but you are true-blue Americanna and the object of every freudian fantasy.
Take the quiz: "Who is your famous soul mate? (For Girls)"
Ashton Kutcher
Congrats! Your Famous Soul Mate is Ashton Kutcher! He loves to play pranks on friends and strangers alike. You both have a funny, if a little warped sense of humor!
Take the quiz: "What swear word are you?"
You Are Damn!
You are one damn person... my style.
Take the quiz: "Natural Disasters"
Solar Eruption
That which brings life to so many people and seems so stable and warm all of the time, is also that thing which possesses the greatest power of blazing wrath. You are the eruption of the sun
Take the quiz: "What is your personal mascot?"
Llama
Llama
You are a bit shy, and some see you as a bit old-fashioned and country. But your friends love your sweet personality and you will be loved for life.
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| I know, I know.. been sooo crazy |
[25 Jun 2004|08:07pm] |
Well I know it's been quite a while since I've posted... Since Steve's birthday to be exact. So much has happened I dont' know where to start so I'll give you the condensed version. Steve and I got back together on February 18th, been together ever since, On May 28th I moved out of Peterborough and into Collingwood to live with him. Since then I have been playing Susie Homemaker trying to take care of the zoo that we call home -- 7 fish, 1 chameleon whom I got in march, my two cockatiels, whom I got back after returning george and lucyto their previous person, and Steve's three cats -- was originally supposed to be one, but Madeline was preggy with a couple kids. So yes, that's my zoo.
I've spend the past 4 days back north in Barry's Bay, just got back last night -- my grandfather passed away very suddenly on the 21st. I was supposed to go to London for Abigail's birthday but instead ended up burying my grandfather -- very very sad, but he's in a better place now. Now he doesn't have to deal with the constant fighting about the estate between my two aunts... Oh well, at least I don't have to deal with it any longer, I can let them fight out all the details. My main concern was for grandpa to be able to live in his house for the rest of his days, and he did. Atleast he had a great last year -- family was around him more than I think we had ever been.
So things have been going really really well wtih Steve and I. His family really likes me and are happy that I'm looking for a job instead of just sitting on my ass (that's what his ex did). I even keep his house clean!! Yes, I can clean -- I didn't think I had it in me but I do. Plus I'm constantly picking up after our disgustingly stupid roommate -- she just turned 19 and doesn't seem to have a neuron in her brain that fires properly. She just called to ask if she could take my keys because she's going out partying and we just changed the locks.. then took a temper tantrum when I said know. I'm glad Steve didn't take his cell phone becuase she always calls him when I tell her she has to do something or tell her she needs to start paying her way around here. I've become a bit of the heavy when it comes to here becuase I can see a mile away she's just using Steve because he lets her. The guy just can't say no. One of these days if he doesn't take care of her I'm not going to be responsible for my actions.
*sighs* Maddy is in heat. I guess that means she's weaned the kittens, or is just about finished weaning them. Now we just have to get the money together to get her fixed and the kittens their check ups and initial shots.... Atleast my birds and chameleon are healthy. All I have to do is keep the birds seed cups full and make sure I have a steady supply of crickets for my chameleon. She is getting sooo big. I can't believe how much she has grown since I bought her.. she was small enough to sit on one finger.. now she barely fits in my hand...
Let's see.. I have a job interview for a part-time night position at one of the group homes here on Monday. I hope I get it... I like being home, but at the same time I'd much rather be doing something to help bring some income into the household, instead of just letting Steve support me. Maybe then the roommate will get the hint. Right now she's babysitting, but it doesn't seem as though she's doing a very good job of it. She claims the baby won't eat or sleep for her, she had him here today and I was playing with him, got him to eat part of an apple, got him to drink some of his formula AND got him to sleep -- I just don't think she knows what she's going. She was like "maybe you should take this babysitting job..." for 20 bucks a day? I don't think so.
Well that seems to be all I have for now. Alice, if you want to hear from me via phone, you're going to have to send me your number.
Cheers all,
Christy
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